Things Left Undone

Sometimes I feel helpless. Ok, great opening line right? Makes you really want to read the rest of the story especially if this is your weekend or Monday morning. But sometimes I feel hopeful as well. There, that should help balance us back to zero. There may be some big changes coming soon. We can’t afford to live in Atlanta on my disability income. So we are most likely going to have to move to Mary’s hometown in Beckley, West Virginia. Small town, good people, lots of family and community support. And of course everything is significantly cheaper than where we live now.

I am torn between the incredible friends, family and community that we have here in Atlanta and somehow finding a way to make things work. But the numbers just don’t add up and it isn’t right for people to have to keep helping us financially the rest of our lives. There are causes out there with more dire need than keeping us minimally comfortable. The catch 22 of everything happening here is that our healthcare insurance costs are too much for us to afford to live here. We need to move into something half of our already radically reduced costs from where we started. Here is where I usually start into my rant of the evils of insurance companies and the desperate need for radical reform at any cost for the health of our citizens. But tonight I won’t do that. Maybe poverty is where we belong. Struggling for every loaf of bread that we buy and hoping that someone else covers Christmas and the costs to move to Beckley.

There are so many thing that I want to do in life. So many things left undone but I realize that time is fast and forgiveness, forgetfulness and moving forward are time consuming and fragile things. As I lay in bed most days, I think about so many things that I have done wrong. Not wrong by man’s standards or even God’s (cause who can guess those right?). I think of dear friends that have tragedies in their lives and I wasn’t there for them. And now some of them are here for me and I really don’t deserve it. But really in life “deserve” doesn’t apply to what people really get and what they don’t. I’m sorry Andrew for not being there when your dad died it broke my heart. I let work dictate what my heart should have stopped. I’m sorry Kristin for not being there for you after your stroke I am just now realizing this and painfully so. I’m sorry Michael for not helping you after our conversation that night in the apartment parking lot. I’m sorry Shelley for being a coward when you were so strong. I let things pass and did the minimal to get by because my life was on the fast track to making more money and focusing on things that I don’t give a rip about anymore.

My friends in Nashville may be doing another benefit in January or February for us that hopefully won’t be the last. I want it to be the last for us but not the last for a cause that I want to start as a part of all of our legacies, not just mine. I will talk more about it later, cause for now we have to start with small things. Small things like loving our friends, our family and our neighbors. I won’t add the overused phrase “this holiday season” because it reminds us of what we have forgotten all year instead of helping us get to where we don’t need food drives anymore, where we don’t need fundraisers for people needing extreme medical care. Instead, let’s start the year off by changing the way things are and doing things right. Let’s get rid of all debt in our household, give to those in need generously and then take that to our government by example from the people for the people. Let’s not beg and barter with a broken house to fix what we have the power to do freely. This is very important to me so I hope with all my heart that it can begin to happen.

Don’t wait for me to give you the go ahead to start your own transformation. It isn’t about me. It is about all of us taking responsibility for loving one another. I want to think the short list of those that have helped in the past few months. It has helped us scrape by. Much love in the coming days and weeks. It I do move to West Virginia, I expect lots of visitors to go the gem mine, fly fishing and Calacino’s Pizzeria on good days. You can just watch TV with me by my bedside on the other days. Just pray for more good days and help with good medical care in the new area.

Much love to you all and hopefully more to come soon.